I'm scared to love.

I'm scared. It's that simple.
I do not enjoy relationships and I get out of them before the guy leaves me. I do not feel comfortable having feelings for a guy.
I'm afraid of love because I have already lost so much.

I did what I wanted; but it's not what I wanted.

Roughly, two months ago I stated that I wanted to change. I did. I changed. The emotions I got from this change is not what I wanted though. I wanted to feel better about myself; where, instead, I lost myself. So, if you see my old self walking around could you please tell them that I want them back? I miss them.

Not myself anymore.

I don't know what's going on with my life anymore but I am not myself anymore. I don't know how to explain it but nothing is what it use to be. I need to talk to someone but I don't know who. I normally do not talk to anyone because I don't want them have to deal with my issues because I'm sure they are dealing with some of their own issues. It's all this big complicated circle that I do not, have any clue, as to how I can go about fixing things. At college I don't want to open up to anyone, because I'll get attached and start creating strong bonds and I don't want that because it's already going to be hard when I leave for Oklahoma, I don't want it to be any more difficult or emotional than what it is already. I personally am not sure if I want to go to OU. I feel as though I have to because my father wants me to go so badly, and so does my brother.. And my dad is already going through a rough time; I don't want to hurt his heart anymore. He's my best friend, and I don't enjoy seeing my friends hurting. I'm thee kind of person that will go out of their way just to make someone else happy, even if it isn't my fault that they aren't happy.

 

On top of all of this, things from my past keep popping up from my past that I really do not want to deal with. They're painful memories that I wanted to leave in my past for a reason.. I don't want them back. As cliche as this sounds, I feel so lost.